Our Christmas Gift

OK. . .wow! Where did this belly come from? Practically overnight my belly grew to pregnant proportions. Christmas day, I had a belly and I felt pregnant for one of the first times. I felt pregnant and I looked pregnant. . .and my family was there to view. What a great Christmas gift for Rich and I.

Over the past few days I have noticed by stomach more, but then I have also noticed it "shrink" a bit too. I think the baby is in different positions and based on where he/she is "floating" determines how big I feel. Just today I was pushing around on my abdomen and noticed a section that was much more firm to the touch (baby perhaps?). After a bit more pushing, the firmness was gone. I think he/she changed position on me. At least I am letting smudge know that I am out here and ready to feel him/her kick back.

The holidays have been nice and relaxing. It has been good to be with family and to spend more time in a relaxed state. Its given Rich and I more time to plan, dream, and prepare for our new arrival that is only 6 months away. Life is good.

Heart Beat!

Yesterday we heard the baby's heart beat for the first time!

We arrived at the doctor's office and sat in a large room full of women in various states of pregnancy. Most of the women had their "man" in tow. We all took turns inspecting our shoes and generally not making eye contact with anyone - afraid to get caught staring. The reception room was noticeably devoid of any men's magazines and was of the style that said chic and functional at the same time. After 20 minutes we were called into the exam room where Lisa had her blood pressure and weight recorded. Then we settled in for the doctor to arrive. There were at least a dozen rooms - some with screaming children behind them - where doctors were doing their work, so our wait took close to another 20-25 minutes.

The doctor entered with his notebook size laptop computer and sat down. He spoke more to the computer while reviewing Lisa's file than he did to us. Instantly, I didn't like him - and then he spoke. He rather spoke down to us in a distant I-don't-care-if-you-listen-but-I-am-going-to-say-it-anyway tone of voice about not wanting an amniocentesis. Then I was sure of it - I didn't like this guy; there was such a complete lack of warm I thought we were outside. This guy is not going to deliver Smudge.

The doctor - although lacking any real bedside manner or even a personality - found Smudge in, well, a heart beat, and there was a fast whooshing sound coming through the monitor, 150 beats per minute. My google research this moring says that the Old Wives tale of a high heart beat is a sign of a girl. The fact from the myth bears no weight to this at all (sorry, all you old wives).

When we left the office Lisa and I both agreed that the doctor, and the office as a whole, was not worthy of our time. Ugh - more doctor shopping.

Although the last four month have been quiet for us there is noise - beautiful noise - to be heard!

I'm not complaining. . . but

I am really not complaining. I know I have so much to be thankful for with such a smooth first trimester, but I really expected my pregnancy to be a bit different. I am now four months pregnant. . . 16 weeks to be exact. But I almost feel as if this pregnancy really doesn't exist. OK, yes, I know. I have been more tired as of late. I find myself going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. And my belly has gotten a little bloated. But I guess I kind of expected a bit more drama in my first trimester. Again, I am not complaining. Its just that all of my expectations of what pregnancy "should be" has not really delivered (no pun intended!). I thought I'd be sporting a noticeable belly by now. I thought I would get an "owners manual" from the doctor and a well-scripted pregnancy plan explaining all of the appointments I would need to make in the upcoming months. I thought I'd have more food cravings. I thought I'd have more morning sickness. I just assumed that being pregnant was going to be more of an event than what it really has been so far. But I guess it is hard to make "an event" stretch out for nine months and that sometimes, the biggest changes in my body are unnoticeable in my day-to-day life.

I am reading that "smudge" is growing by leaps and bounds now. That he/she has fingers and toes, that the fingerprints are already created, that he/she can sense bright lights, and hear my voice. It is all fascinating stuff, but it is all things I can not see nor directly feel. And so I feel a bit detached from the experience.

Tomorrow I have my second doctor's appointment. . . and maybe that is part of it. . . I have not been going to the doctor's on a monthly basis. Heck, they did not even want to see me until the 8th week and even then I felt as if I got the cold shoulder. But besides that, at the doctor's appointment tomorrow I hope that we will hear the heartbeat. That will help jolt me back in to reality. I hope the doctor will ease my fears, confirm that yes, things are going as planned and that the second trimester will be full of "events" to watch and record.

I know I have been blessed with a relatively easy first trimester. In the back of my mind I think that it will all come back to me at month 9 when I experience a really cruel and hard labor. A sort of revenge by the pregnancy gods. And no, I do not want that. Its just that in the world of pregnancy, we are never told that sometimes things go easy, that you may not "look" pregnant until the 6th or 7th month, and that in the day-to-day, sometimes, being pregnant (on the outside) is a non-event.

Hold The Onions

This is a first - and therefore, probably pregnancy related...

Last night at o'dark thirty Lisa rises out of bed, stands up, turns to me (sound asleep) and says, "I am not getting you onions," and returns to bed.

It's okay, Lisa, I don't like onions anyway.

Going Public

We have hit the fourteen weeks mark. . . over three months pregnant. I now feel that we are at a stage where it is ok to share our news and go public with our announcement that we are expecting. And I have to admit, it has been kind of fun. I first told Travis (my boss) a few weeks ago. I wanted to make sure that as I told people at work, Travis heard the news from me first rather than hearing it thru the grapevine. I was a little nervous sharing the news. Was he going to go straight to work related issues? Read me the Cornell policy about maternity leave? Ask me all kinds of questions that I did not know the answer to? But I was anxious for no reason. He was thrilled. His first reaction was to stand up, walk over to me and give me a hug. "I love kids!" he said.

And the general reaction from people that I have told has been sheer joy. Its actually fun to share the news and watch the reactions, get the hugs and the way to gos! This week I am attending one of my all time favorite professional development conferences, the Association of Fraternity Advisors conference. Having been to the conference for so many years, I have really developed some good friendships with other professionals. As I tell my friends and get into conversations with them about pregnancy, parenthood, children, and life, I am getting more and more excited for all that is to come. It is wonderful to hear stories, ask the questions, and share in our excitement.

And as I tell people, the fact that I am pregnant is becoming more and more real to me too. I do not really "show" yet and as mentioned before my first three months have been rather uneventful, so I have not yet truly felt pregnant. But it is all starting to change now. I have a feeling the second trimester is going to be fun.

Paranoid Questions

Really, Rich. . . it was more of a "thunk" than gas. It is true, I was laying in bed not wanting to get up (pregnancy has made me more tired) and while I was laying on my side I felt something inside me settle. I would normally think nothing of this "thunk" feeling, but as I was laying there, I could not help but to raise the question to my husband, "was that Smudge that moved, or just me and my digestive system saying good morning?" Welcome to the paranoid questions of pregnancy!

There are other paranoid questions that go through my mind on a daily basis. . . most of them revolve around what I eat. Will this diet coke cause my child to have only one eye? Am I getting enough vegetables in my diet? Am I really supposed to avoid soft cheese? Is blue cheese considered soft? What! I can't snack on raw cookie dough anymore?

I have also just learned that I am not supposed to be reaching and moving heavy things. Oh dear. . . now we have entered into the physical realm of my paranoia. What can I am what can't I do when it comes to day-to-day activities and going to the gym.

The way I see it is that people have been having babies since the beginning of time and due to that long history, I think my body will tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I will listen to its signs. . . like the "thunk" I heard/felt yesterday. That certainly got my attention.

Maybe It's Just Gas

Lisa rolled over this morning when I entered the bedroom after my shower. Even at 6:30ish she is able to be beautiful while being half asleep and slightly grumpy. Lisa is definately a let's-not-rush-to-get-out-of-bed and just-hit-the-snooze button kind of person. As part of my Husband Training Program I have learned to let her sleep and not share my morning person attributes with her. My job in the morning is to: get up, go down stairs, let the dog out, enjoy my morning coffee, and do not bother my wife until she is ready to wake up her own. And when she does wake up I deliver her orange juice.

However, this morning as I entered the room she announced that she thinks she felt something move in her belly. The baby is the size of a lemon about now. The baby can move although you couldn't feel it from the outside.

After 12 weeks of an eerily quiet pregnancy Lisa is finally entering the second trimester.

A Non-Event (So Far)

This has been a very quiet three months. The house hasn't been baby proofed - yet. The nursery hasn’t been decided on – yet. Lisa hasn’t had to buy a new wardrobe – yet. We haven’t even gotten into a serious discussion over names – yet.

I have to remind myself that Lisa is pregnant. She doesn’t look it, or really act it. Aside from the picture of “Smudge” on the fridge and the mandatory “What to Expect When You Are Expecting” on the night stand, it’s hard to tell we are having a baby.

These are the quiet months. They have been problem free, and for that we are thankful. Lisa and I are enjoying ourselves and our remaining days of infant free existence.

Our countdown clock reads 200 days to go. The next few months should be exciting!

A Matter of Perspective

Yes, I was not happy with Rich's news that he may be gone over the summer months. I was not happy with the prospect that we would have a newborn child and for the first few months of his/her life, it would be baby and me. Truth of the matter is I am scared. How could I single-handedly care for a newborn? What do I know about babies. . . more specifically infants? At least with Rich I would have a partner in whom we could learn and grow together. . .as a husband and wife should.

The good news is that Rich doesn't think that he has to go to Washington now. Instead, he will be going to New Jersey for a training program to get him on track for promotion to Lt. Colonel. And this program is only for a week. Yes, that is much better indeed.

I am going on 11 weeks now and things seem to be going well. I am noticing my belly getting larger. My clothes still fit, but I realize that a number of my fitted sweaters help accent my belly. I laugh at myself in the mirror because it looks as if my belly and my boobs are the same size. I have yet to tell the office of my news. . . but I am thinking I will have a conversation with my boss later this week. I do not anticipate any difficulty or backlash, so it is just a matter of letting the cat out of the bag.

My focus as of late has been really trying to put my mind around what life will be like after baby is born. I try to imagine the house and how it will look with toys and baby paraphernalia scattered around. Is there a way to organize? I try to imagine the nursery and how to add this extra room into an already cramped house. How are we going to make this work? I want to provide the best to our new baby and I know everything will work out, but these questions have given me a bit of anxiety over the recent weeks. I guess it is all a part of expecting.

But if I am to put my joys, concerns, and anxieties in perspective, we are really quite blessed. My pregnancy is going very well. My first trimester is almost over with very little complaint. The fears and anxieties that I have are most in part due to the fact that I am entering into new territory. It's hard to visualize and imagine what to me is so unknown. We have much to be thankful for and much joy to anticipate. In six months our world will change. Rich will be by my side and in my arms will be a beautiful new baby of our own. Life is good.

First Pangs of Guilt

It's a Monday night. Relatively quiet for a change. Lisa is downstairs watching Project Runway while I am writing this and playing with my favorite website. I check my email and bam, there it is - my summer is shot.

I work for two bosses - the United States Army through Cornell University's Army ROTC program and for the United States Army Reserves as a Major in a Civil Affairs unit. Both of these employers want time from me over the summer to meet the standards of my employment.

For the Army Reserves I am trying to get into a school so I will qualify for my next promotion. The first phase of that school will be over two weeks in the summer at Ft Dix, NJ.

Work, that is my 50 hour per week job, also expects me to go away for the summer - and this year it will be in Ft Knox, KY. That obligation will be most of the balance of the summer.

In other words, I will have no time for me at home.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am going to be a dad in May?

I am in a career field that demands travel in the summer. I absolutely cannot stand that I have to be away from my family. My new family. Of course I do not have to go based on the Family and Medical Leave Act - but then I won't be paid either. (I suppose I could be a school teacher at half the pay and have my summers off.)

What bothers me is not feeling like a team player for the work that I love to do. I went through the same dilema earlier this year with my dad. I knew dad was going to pass away over the summer. I also knew that it was my obligation to go to Ft Lewis, WA. I could not have predicted when dad's time would come so I made plans to be at work until "the" time came. Of course, life (or death in this case) really doesn't let you make plans and I fortunately spent the last moments of my father's life by his side. However, it was a result of events that I did not plan.

I suppose I am worried about what the people at work will think about me not being around for what everyone else is doing - about not doing my share. I struggle with this and finding the balance for my family.

Part of me says that I need to go because it is my obligation. If I were on Active Duty I would have time off when the baby is born, but then I would be right back at work even if that work meant I was away from home. Another part doesn't want to abandon Lisa and Smudge when Lisa will feel a little overwhelmed and will need help.

So - now I head down stairs and talk to Lisa about this.

7 Weeks

So, Rich already shared the highlights of my visit to the doctor last week. But from the "mom's" perspective, it was pretty cool to see our "smudge" on the monitor and to imagine that there is this little small person growing inside of me. Here was the proof I was looking for. . . finally. Yes, I am pregnant and I saw the smudge to verify it. I started to tear up in the examination room, but the discomfort of having an internal sonogram quickly diverted my attention away from the emotional. Yes-- I did say internal. It was interesting to say the least.

So now I am 7.5 weeks pregnant. I am holding up pretty well. I notice that I am much more tired and much more moody-- something I can blame on the hormones for now. Rich has been a saint as he learns to try to live with the "pregnant Lisa" and I am trying to put my moodiness in check. It is a daily challenge. I am pleased to share, however that there have been no episodes of morning sickness (knock on wood). In the morning, I do feel a bit odd and queasy, but it has not resulted in a mad dash to the bathroom.

At the doctor last week, they did give us the target due date of May 29th. That's right around Memorial Day and Cornell graduation. Wow! As I think about it, given our careers and working in higher education this due date (and my whole pregnancy) is perfect. I have the summer (our slower months) for maternity leave and I do not have to be mega-pregnant during the hottest months in Ithaca. How lucky are we? Here is to the next 29 weeks.

Smudge

That's the name of the baby right now: "Smudge."

Last Thursday, Lisa went to the doctor for her first true visit. While she was there they confirmed that she was at least 6 to 6 1/2 weeks pregnant and in healthy condition. Then they did a sonogram! At 6 1/2 weeks?!

Lisa brought home the picture. It's a grainy black and white photo of what looks like an egg, sunny side up. There are no defining characteristics, just and oval looking thingy. In other words, a smudge. Lisa said that she got to see the "heart beat" which consisted of one of the monitor pixels flicking from white to black.

I am really bummed that I wasn't there. Not that we thought I should have gone. Not that we thought we'd have seen anything. Not that I wasn't invited (but unavailable). This was a first visit for Lisa, and a check for twins - none. It wound up being the first signs of life of our child.

So - for now, we have a picture of an egg the size of a grain of rice on our fridge.

My First Craving

Yep. . . my first craving was for a chocolate milkshake. Mmmm, and did it taste good. Rich and I went out to Doug's Fish Fry to satisfy my sweet tooth. And it was good. Thanks for driving, Rich.

Our Secret. . . sort of

So my big issue over the past two weeks is trying to figure out when it is safe to tell everybody our news. There are times that I want to run up to people and say, "guess what? I a pregnant!" and then there are times when I am making up an answer to a question from a colleague about why I am drinking water instead of my usual diet coke.

Yes, we wanted to tell family. . .to let them in on the good news. . . to be a support for us in the early months. But at what point do we let the rest of the world into our family affairs? When should I tell my best friends? The people I see on a day to day basis? Those that I exchange emails with frequently and reply "nothing much" when they ask what is new?

I guess I am still waiting from a blessing from above or a decree from a doctor: "you are pregnant, Lisa. It is safe to tell the world." We still do not know how many weeks along I am (we are guessing 6 or 7) or when our anticipated due date is. And I'd like to have those facts to share when we start letting our friends know.

And then there is the other concern: telling work. Yes, I am concerned that people may judge me or come to their own conclusions about my life. I do not want people to be writing my future for me when I have not even come to my own conclusions about what I want my future to be. Will I or will I not come back to work? Will I be as committed to my work ethic or is a baby going to be a distraction? And the one that hurts most of all: Of course I should not have been hired as the associate dean, my focus is on babies and a family.

Yes, there is some baggage there. These are my insecurities and the voices inside my head; not the ones from those with whom I work. Still, I'd like to have a plan on when and how to let people know. I am learning that it is hard to keep my good news in. I want to share this huge happening in my life. It will change me. It will change the way in which I work. But, it does not have to be for the worse.

Rich and I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday of this week. At this appointment we are going to get our first sonogram. This should be able to tell the doctor just how far along we are and when our due date might be. My feeling right now is lets see what the doctor says. When we get this information we can make a better plan on when and how to let our friends and colleagues into our little secret.

Telling Sam

"Ewwwwww", followed by, "gross". Over and over again. In a restaurant. Crowded with people. Those would be two direct quotes from Samantha when she found out she was going to be a sister.

We knew it was time to tell Samantha. We both knew that telling Sam could be both fun and complicated. Fun, because, well, we all have a good sense of humor and Lisa and I were looking forward to the look on Sam's face. Complicated, because Sam has been my only child for 9 years. She has been our only child for 2 1/2 years and has never had to compete for attention or affection - and now she is not going to be the only one, and because she does not live here full time she has voiced concerns of being "forgotten".

Friday night we went to dinner and Lisa and I were giddy with telling Sam. We told her we had big news and that she could guess it. She looked thoughtfully for a moment at the ceiling and said, "Lisa is pregnant." When we told her she guessed correctly she had to be convinced that we weren't playing a joke on her.

Once she realized that we weren't joking she blurted, "ewwww," for the next five minutes. So clearly, in telling her we found out that she knows how babies are made. And better yet, she thinks its "nasty" and "gross". We also found out that she doesn't really understand the process yet because a few minutes later she said that we must have made the baby the night before (Thursday) because we didn't tell her on Wednesday when she was over last.

Sam is excited. She is looking forward to being part of the process and even wants to be in the delivery room. Sam is afraid. She is scared of being left out of the "full time" family while she is living in Ithaca. Sam is anxious. You can see that she really wants to be a big sister, one with almost a decade of experience over her sibling but nervous that she will be considered more of an adult than a child from now on.

Through all of these initial emotions, one thing is clear in her head: Samantha wants a sister.

No License Required

Well, that was easy...

Ok, ok, ok, enough of being glib. I am excited about being a dad! I am thrilled about expanding this rapidly growing family of ours. First, there is the two of us and Samantha. Of course there is Hobie Cat. Then, two weeks ago, we brought Poly the Puppy into the house. And now, in 8 months we'll have a baby. Wow.

Yes, its true - I looked at Lisa and told her that she was pregnant. I just knew.

My former policeman-crass-cynical side says that all you need to have children is a pack of cigarettes, a six pack of Miller, eat a bag of Cheetos and live in a trailer. That combination (from my Trooper days) seemed to be the perfect recipe for fertility. Since we don't smoke, drink bad beer, or eat too much junk food, I guess I dispelled that urban legend. We don't live in a trailer either.

So there's that, and the thought that there should be a license required to have children. I know - crass. Looking at the news its hard to argue with me. Parents doing awful things to their kids, not the worst of which is simply pretending they don't exist.

Parenting is hard, tough, and for many years, a thankless job. It requires patience and emotional fortitude. It makes demands from you all the way until the end of the day - and then some more. If you are not willing to live young - it will age you. You can't escape it because you signed on for all of that when you decided to have children.

I remember that one of the reasons I fell in love with Lisa was that I knew I wanted to be a father again. Not just a dad, but a dad to her child, our child, a child we'd raise together. Parents. It was an overpowering feeling. As 40 slowly approaches, many of my friends have had their kids and they approach those middle years. I look at 40 as a great opportunity to be young at heart and crawl on the floor, make silly voices, laugh at poop, play peek-a-boo, go for a run in the jogger. At this point in life you have to be more than a little sure of what you are getting into, even though you can be sure of nothing in parenting.

I could not imagine doing any of this without Lisa. It's because of Lisa. I am lucky. I am happy. I am so, so excited! I am looking forward to this adventure with her by my side.

A Father's Intuition

OK. . .so why is it that Rich knew I was pregnant before I did? I thought a mother's intuition was supposed to kick in? Not the case for me. I guess it is going to take a few months for it to develop. But regardless, let me share with you the details of the story.

One morning last week, Rich looked at me and said, "Honey, I think you are pregnant." My response was denial. No, we could not be. We only started trying. How could the stars align so easily? Particularly with all the stories I hear about couples trying for years before they successfully conceive? Could it be? So with some doubt, I stopped off at the drug store on the way home from work that same day to get a pregnancy test.

Of course, leave it to me to choose a truly chaotic time to want to know the answer. Just as I closed the door to the bathroom, my mother calls on the phone in order to get directions to our house. She was coming to visit for the weekend and see our house for the first time. What was I thinking? The first time that I see my mother in six months and I am in the middle of a pregnancy test? Not only that, but it was our weekend with Samantha. And why not throw in a new puppy to boot. Oh jeeze! So as Rich is giving my mother second by second instructions and as Samantha is outside in the back yard trying to get the puppy to do as she says, I first see the results of the test. "Wow! If I am reading this correctly, Rich is right. Holy cow, I am pregnant!" I thought to myself. "Could this be right? Am I reading the plus and minus lines right? Is that really a plus? Ugh. I should have gotten the test that reads pregnant or not pregnant. Then there would be no doubt. But there is no time for this now. I've got to say hi to my mom!"

With all of the chaos going on, Rich and I had very little time to absorb the news. We were happy and excited, but it all seemed very surreal. I am gonna be a mom and Rich knew before me? How does he do that?

On Sunday night we let my mom in on the secret. "Mom, we have been a little distracted this weekend and we are sorry, but we think we might be pregnant."

Now that the rest of the week has gone by and my first doctors appointment is tomorrow, Rich and I have taken the time to take all of this in. And yes, I did go out on Monday to the drug store to get a new pregnancy test. I asked Rich if we could have a "do over" and actually take the test when we could have a moment to ourselves and celebrate as husband and wife; father and mother. No more plus or minuses. I went straight for the easy read test. And three minutes later, there it was: "pregnant". We are going to be parents and I am married to a very smart man.

All is good.