There are times in which you know your parenting style needs to change. For some reason, your children have learned to push your buttons, know what to expect and how to get away with something very close to murder. Try as you may, you can not get them to change their behavior, listen to you, and do what you ask without sassy talk. Tonight was one of those nights. I just couldn't take it any more.
Dad was gone to men's group at church. So it was just me, my mom, and the boys. And that is when it all broke loose. Grant was fussy. Did not want to be in his high chair. Did not want to eat. Surprisingly TJ plowed through his dinner (usually he is the last one to finish) and he was ready to be excused. And so TJ and a super sensitive Grant were running around and playing. But TJ was playing rough. TJ was not letting Grant take a turn with a blanket and the boys' tv chair. So, Grant would burst into tears. As I said, something about him was off tonight and he was super sensitive.
Level 1: My solution was that if the blanket and chair are causing that much of a problem we would remove them both from the room. If they can't play nicely, they don't play at all. Fair enough, right?
Well, you would of thought that I was taking their most prized possession away from them. TJ clung to the blanket. Grant fell onto the chair. I asked them to stop. They did not listen. I pried their hands off the two items and I took them to the garage. They followed. They held on. I gave TJ a warning. He laughed.
Okay, time for level 2: Send TJ to his room for time out because of bad behavior. He would not go. Gave TJ a second demand to go to his room. Still clung to the blanket.
Level 3: If he is not going to his room on this own, I will help him get there. So I do my best to carry a kicking child up the stairs and into his room with a baby that wants to come too. Get him to his room. Of course as I go tend to Grant. TJ comes out of his room. He thinks it is a game and laughs.
Level 3.5: Escort him back to his room and tell him that I am closing his door to serve as a reminder for him that he is supposed to stay on the other side. TJ HAAATES this level. He HAAATES when the door is closed. Of course he opens the door. But miraculously he stays in his room. I tell him that if he comes out of his room again I will take away his toys. So I go downstairs and get Grant's bottle ready so I can put this super cranky child to bed and then focus all of my energy on the eldest cranky child.
While I am downstairs, I hear TJ being very loud and disruptive upstairs (although he is in his room). Should I go confront? Is he just trying to get some attention for continued negative behavior? After 5 minutes of this, I go upstairs. TJ is throwing his matchbox cars across the room into the wall. I go to him and ask him to stop. I see a 1 cm divot in the wall. I show him the damage that he is making and let him know that throwing cars and destroying the house is not a good choice for him to make.
At that time he decides to follow me and steps out of his room. Thus enters Level 4.
Level 4: Remove the toys from his room. As promised I start to take out the toys. Of course this also makes me have to pick up all of the cars that he has thrown around the room. . . so it takes a little longer to do. I put them all in Samantha's room. "You missed one" he sasses back to me. I give him a stare of daggers and I grab the toy and lock the door to Samanthas room so that he can not go in.
Now he starts to get that I am serious and starts to cry. He is breaking. . .or so I thought. But the dance continues. Laughing, following me out of his room and when I turn around running back into his room. He is clearly disrespecting me and my rules that I put forth. He is sassy. So. . . . level 5. But what is level five. He clearly does not get that I am serious. He clearly has no respect for me and my authority. How long should I let this continue? I do not want him to walk all over me. He is not in charge. I am.
I considered spanking. I have never been a fan of it. We tell children they must not hit, but when they are bad, we hit them? It is not logical. But, man it would feel good right about now. But my deep seeded fear is that I will go gentle on him when I spank (because I really do not want to hurt him), and so then he will laugh and say, "is that all you got?" and realize that he still has the upper hand. So, I took a tip from one of my other mommy friends and what she did with her child. When she first told me of her method, I judged. I was surprised. I thought that is not a very developmental thing to do to a child. But, now. As my child continued to sass me and I knew I had to somehow end this sass, I reconsidered this form of discipline. And so I moved into a whole new realm of parenting. What I was doing was not working. Time to move to Level 5.
Level 5: Cider Vinegar. I brought upstairs a bottle of cider vinegar and a large table spoon (I was thinking the larger the better). I asked TJ to come into the bathroom with me (for I knew based on my friend's story, this could get messy). I told him that I had medicine for him to take. It was medicine for very nasty boys. I told him that I will not tolerate his sassy talk, his disrespectful behavior any more. And for him to understand this, he needs to take a spoonful of this medicine. TJ asked me if the medicine tasted bad. I said, yes. Bad tasting medicine for bad behaving boys.
I poured some of the vinegar onto the spoon. He was sitting on my lap. He fought a little. Who wants to take bad tasting medicine? Some of the vinegar fell to the floor. I held his head and managed to put the spoon into his mouth. He gagged and spit right away. But the bad taste was clearly in his mouth. The vinegar had gotten to where it needed to go. He was crying.
I told him that he needed to go to his room. If he came out of his room, he would get more medicine. I walked away. He cried. He coughed. But HE STAYED IN HIS ROOM.
I finally had a moment to put Grant to bed. 15 minutes later, TJ was crying. But in his room. I decided to give him some water to at least stop the coughing. 15 minutes of that taste in your mouth is bad enough. The deed had been done.
I brought him a cup. He got this look of fear in his eyes. Clearly he thought I was making him take more medicine. I told him it was water. He drank it and told me that he thinks the medicine is going to make him throw up. I said, it might make you feel that way. That is what bad boy medicine does. But I also gave you the water to help you not to throw up.
He was a bit more calm now. Still upset. Still in shock with what happened. I told him that he needed to stay in his room and that he could get changed into his pajamas, go potty if he needed too, but he was done for the night and could put himself to bed. And under no condition was he to leave his room.
And he did not leave his room. He cried. Sobbed actually. He put on his pajamas. 20 minutes later, he was calling my name. . .but still in his room. Still shaken by what had happened. I brushed his teeth with him. I told him he could read a few books before bed. I gave him a hug. I told him that I was very disappointed in his behavior tonight and expect that this bad behavior will stop so we do not have to use the bad boy medicine again. I also told him that I loved him very much and that would never change.
I have to say I am really torn by what I did. I feel that it was a much better option than hitting, but I hate that I felt forced in the corner to go to level 5. . . I hate that I gave my child cider vinegar. That is something that "bad moms" do to their children-- you know-- like the stories of washing children's mouth out with soap. We always look back on episodes like that in our own lives and say, "I cant believe she did that."
But at the same time, I also pray that this act surprised my child enough to understand that mommy was still in charge and his acts of defiance will not be tolerated.
I will not have children disrespect me. I will not have children that think they run the house. I will not be a parent that lets the children run the house.
I pray that tonight, I am one more level farther away from letting that happen.
T.J. I am sorry that I did what I did tonight. I think cider vinegar is nasty. I can't believe that I fed it to you. I am so thankful that you did not throw it up. I am so thankful that in the short term, the vinegar changed your behavior. I am also hopeful that it will have an affect on the long term of your behavior too. . . or God help us all!
Tonight, there is a new sheriff in town. I am pleased to say that she has restored the peace tonight. TJ is in his room and has not come out (something he is famous for at bed time). May this sheriff continue to rule in such a way.
