I'm not complaining. . . but

I am really not complaining. I know I have so much to be thankful for with such a smooth first trimester, but I really expected my pregnancy to be a bit different. I am now four months pregnant. . . 16 weeks to be exact. But I almost feel as if this pregnancy really doesn't exist. OK, yes, I know. I have been more tired as of late. I find myself going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. And my belly has gotten a little bloated. But I guess I kind of expected a bit more drama in my first trimester. Again, I am not complaining. Its just that all of my expectations of what pregnancy "should be" has not really delivered (no pun intended!). I thought I'd be sporting a noticeable belly by now. I thought I would get an "owners manual" from the doctor and a well-scripted pregnancy plan explaining all of the appointments I would need to make in the upcoming months. I thought I'd have more food cravings. I thought I'd have more morning sickness. I just assumed that being pregnant was going to be more of an event than what it really has been so far. But I guess it is hard to make "an event" stretch out for nine months and that sometimes, the biggest changes in my body are unnoticeable in my day-to-day life.

I am reading that "smudge" is growing by leaps and bounds now. That he/she has fingers and toes, that the fingerprints are already created, that he/she can sense bright lights, and hear my voice. It is all fascinating stuff, but it is all things I can not see nor directly feel. And so I feel a bit detached from the experience.

Tomorrow I have my second doctor's appointment. . . and maybe that is part of it. . . I have not been going to the doctor's on a monthly basis. Heck, they did not even want to see me until the 8th week and even then I felt as if I got the cold shoulder. But besides that, at the doctor's appointment tomorrow I hope that we will hear the heartbeat. That will help jolt me back in to reality. I hope the doctor will ease my fears, confirm that yes, things are going as planned and that the second trimester will be full of "events" to watch and record.

I know I have been blessed with a relatively easy first trimester. In the back of my mind I think that it will all come back to me at month 9 when I experience a really cruel and hard labor. A sort of revenge by the pregnancy gods. And no, I do not want that. Its just that in the world of pregnancy, we are never told that sometimes things go easy, that you may not "look" pregnant until the 6th or 7th month, and that in the day-to-day, sometimes, being pregnant (on the outside) is a non-event.