We have reached another milestone. Not one that I am particularly happy about, but one that is worthy of being recorded. Tonight I am spending my first night away from my son. Okay, well let me qualify that. Tonight I am spending my first night away from my HEALTHY son. The hospital in Syracuse is a different story. Tonight, he is home and I am in New York City. My emotions are mixed. I will miss him. I am obsessed with wanting to pump and keeping my milk supply up. I am also worried that it will be a long and grueling night for grandma who is watching over TJ.
It is a funny feeling. I know that TJ will be fine. I know my mom will do a wonderful job caring for him. But I feel as if I am giving someone else my job to do. It’s a job that I have learned how to do over the past 5.5 months. Getting up with TJ two, sometimes three, times a night is something that I am used to. It’s a mom’s (and dad’s) job that we do out of love and obligation. TJ, dad, and I have come up with a nightly pattern. Seeing my face is something that TJ is used to. Tonight it is going to be different. How will he respond? Will he even notice that mom is not there? Will he cooperate for my mom? Are they going to be up all night because TJ is not used to the change? I want things to go well. I don’t want TJ to stress out. I do not want my mother to stress out. I know cognitively that what will be will be and that my mother is very capable of handling a crying, fussy baby. Emotionally, I do not want that for either of them. I feel that it is my role as a mother to deal with a crying fussy baby. But for me it is another thing to hand that over to another person to deal with.
The decision to go away on this trip was a tough one for me. I am away on business—traveling to NYC to attend a very upscale alumni event. It sounds exciting and very fun—something I would be so excited to do pre-baby. But now it is a bit different. I feel like I am running away from an obligation. Yet, I also know that I have to “cut the cord” at some point. My job is going to involve a fair amount of travel, so at some point I am going to have to go away and leave my baby in the care of someone else.
What made this trip even harder is that this “someone else” was not going to be Rich. He too is away attending a conference with the Army Reserves. Thank goodness my mother is in town to fill in the overnight gap. In some ways, when I first agreed to go on this trip and make it my first overnight away from TJ, I giggled to myself knowing dad was going to get a bit of education on what nights are like for mom. Rich is a partner in raising TJ, don’t get me wrong. But because we have chosen to breastfeed TJ, by nature, I am a bit more involved in the night time care of our little boy. Dad hears the baby cry, sometimes goes to get him, but then is able to drift off to sleep while mom and TJ are nursing.
I’ll be calling and checking in quite often, this I am certain of. I also know I will not be able to sleep through the night. . . although it would be nice, I know that 5.5 months of waking up every three to four hours will not reverse itself literally overnight.
Sigh. I hope everything goes well.
