First Pangs of Guilt

It's a Monday night. Relatively quiet for a change. Lisa is downstairs watching Project Runway while I am writing this and playing with my favorite website. I check my email and bam, there it is - my summer is shot.

I work for two bosses - the United States Army through Cornell University's Army ROTC program and for the United States Army Reserves as a Major in a Civil Affairs unit. Both of these employers want time from me over the summer to meet the standards of my employment.

For the Army Reserves I am trying to get into a school so I will qualify for my next promotion. The first phase of that school will be over two weeks in the summer at Ft Dix, NJ.

Work, that is my 50 hour per week job, also expects me to go away for the summer - and this year it will be in Ft Knox, KY. That obligation will be most of the balance of the summer.

In other words, I will have no time for me at home.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am going to be a dad in May?

I am in a career field that demands travel in the summer. I absolutely cannot stand that I have to be away from my family. My new family. Of course I do not have to go based on the Family and Medical Leave Act - but then I won't be paid either. (I suppose I could be a school teacher at half the pay and have my summers off.)

What bothers me is not feeling like a team player for the work that I love to do. I went through the same dilema earlier this year with my dad. I knew dad was going to pass away over the summer. I also knew that it was my obligation to go to Ft Lewis, WA. I could not have predicted when dad's time would come so I made plans to be at work until "the" time came. Of course, life (or death in this case) really doesn't let you make plans and I fortunately spent the last moments of my father's life by his side. However, it was a result of events that I did not plan.

I suppose I am worried about what the people at work will think about me not being around for what everyone else is doing - about not doing my share. I struggle with this and finding the balance for my family.

Part of me says that I need to go because it is my obligation. If I were on Active Duty I would have time off when the baby is born, but then I would be right back at work even if that work meant I was away from home. Another part doesn't want to abandon Lisa and Smudge when Lisa will feel a little overwhelmed and will need help.

So - now I head down stairs and talk to Lisa about this.