Unfamiliar Territory

I share in Lisa's anxiety in this waiting game.

Samantha was born six weeks pre-mature. Her mother was very ill with a pregnancy related disease called toxemia. Her kidneys shut down and she had to be induced. It was an ordeal that took all of the control away from us as parents. A high speed trip to the neonatal unit in Albany, NY. Half a dozen doctors. Half a dozen nurses. An incubator with bells and alarms. In retrospect it was overwhelming to absorb at the time.

The end of that pregnancy came sooner than most. There was no waiting to the due date. There was no anticipation of waking in the middle of the night. There were no bags packed and loaded in the car. It was immediate with little time to react.

A lot of the emotions of "getting closer" never emerged. The only contractions were those that were drug induced in the hospital.

In many ways I am experiencing fatherhood/delivery for the first time. I might now how to change diapers but I am poorly prepared for the fact that Lisa will start contracting at home/work/dinner and expect me to get her to the hospital on time.

So, it's official - I am freaking out a little.

How to Pass the Time

So. . . we wait. Nursery is ready. Bags packed. Grandma Betty arrives tomorrow. We are all anxiously awaiting Baby Brown's arrival. I am feeling well physically. Sure, I am big, my feet are swollen, but by in large all is looking good. It is just the mind games and the mental aspects of waiting which seem so hard right now. We really thought Baby Brown would be in our arms by this time.

We did have an appointment with the midwife yesterday. She eased my mental anguish and assured me that going past a due date is quite common. In her opinion I was going to deliver by week's end. My blood pressure was good and the baby's positioning was right on. Now we just needed to wait for my uterus to "ripen". Great. . . my uterus is a fruit and I am a darn fruit tree. Hearing the baby's heartbeat was comforting as well.

This waiting is an awkward balance of making plans and keeping myself focused on the here and now. People are surprised to see me still at work, but truthfully it makes sense to pass the time at work rather than claim vacation days that I will not be able to cash in on the other side during matermity leave. So I take care of little things that I know can be complete at the end of each work day. But this has me feeling a bit unfulfilled. My motivation at work has slowed.

Rich, Samantha and I are also trying to enjoy our last moments together "pre baby". Memorial Day Weekend was wonderful-- very low key. But even during these times our thoughts are filled with the baby's arrival and when it might be. My "got to get done before baby arrives" project list is all but complete. I've got to come up with some other projects to keep me busy. But I am also afraid to start something I can not complete. Do I run out and buy a whole bunch of flowers to plant in our front garden? That will pass the time. Do I go through all of my Camp Seafarer British Virgin Island trip records and build a manual for the new trip leaders? Again, though how much of this will I be able to complete?

So for now, Rich and I have found several other ways to pass the time. One of which is to watch every single episode of Heros on NBC. Thank goodness for Tivo. We have the whole season that we are now watching marathon style. A good show. Keeps us entertained.

Come on baby. We want to see you.

The Weekend, The Weather, The Waiting

What a long and wonderful weekend!

My weekend began on Friday morning with an unofficial day off. It was the day before the Cornell Army ROTC commissioning and the staff needed sometime to relax before the last big event of the school year. Since April we all have been moving at full speed as the semester ends with finals, grades, and end of year reports. The previous weekend both Saturday and Sunday were occupied with commissioning of Lieutenants at Binghamton and Ithaca, so adding an extra day to the three day weekend was well earned.

Seven of us went to the local course. As the sun crept higher and hotter the first group teed off into the road, the woods, the picnic area and I knew we were in for a long day - I immediately thanked myself for only paying for 9 holes. We had a great time, even without the beer.

We re-grouped, had lunch, and headed off to Professor John's house for the annual ROTC party. This party is always a little surreal as you arrive and are offered beer and a shotgun for skeet shooting. A passing torrential downpour allowed me an early exit to get home to Sam and Lisa.


Saturday was another crystal clear day. The day required me to get dressed once again in full medals and uniform to attend the Cornell Army ROTC commissioning. The event is both a solemn and celebratory; the pay off of four years of physical, mental, and emotional challenges as well as the realization that the profession upon which the new officers are entering has far greater challenges than anything face in school. I sat in the back, wondering if I would be here one day pinning the bars of a brand new officer on Samantha or TJ or both. I can only begin to fathom the pride and anxiety those parents must have felt and wondering what my emotions will be like.


The latter half of Saturday was spent with my brother, his wife, and my niece and nephew. Of course they made their visit expecting to see the baby. It was a great afternoon spent on hitting a bucket of golf balls and visiting the Lime Hollow Nature Center's grand opening. Watching Andy run, and run again from a 12 year old holding a two foot corn snake was entertainment for the day. Still packing more into the day we went to see Shrek 3 with too many children and not enough parents willing to keep them quiet.


On Sunday we went to church where the veterans were asked to stand and be recognized for Memorial Day. I don't mind being recognized but I wish people would remember the Veteran's Day is for "survivors" and that Memorial Day is for those who paid the ultimate sacrifice. The rest of Sunday was spent trying to do as little as possible. Another passing drencher caught Poly outside and soaked her through.

On Monday we kept things slow just in case we needed to make the trip to the hospital. Samantha is getting into riding her new bike and begged us to take her to the park - twice. Laying there on a blanket spread out on the grass, sitting under the cloudless sky, I realized that the weekend had been a perfect mix of fast and slow, excitement and boredom, sunshine and rain.

No, no baby yet. Too bad. It would have been a great weekend to be born.

The Waiting Game

Okay, believe it or not, I am now at the point in my pregnancy where I am ready to deliver. Yes, the procrastinator in me is done. Its time to go into labor and get this whole thing over with. . . . but I wait. Funny thing is though, I have no control over when this whole delivery thing happens. This of course drives me CRAZY!

For the past week now, I have experienced mild contractions and leg spasms in the evening. It has gotten to the point where I can predict that at 8:00 PM I will experience a shooting pain in my upper inner thigh followed by cramping and contractions of my abdomen. And every night that this has happened I have thought sometimes to myself and sometimes out loud: "is this it? Am I going into labor? Will tonight be the night?" And every night at 10:00 PM or so I go to bed a bit anxious only to awake at my usual 5:00 AM time to release my full bladder. Sigh. Its just my body warming up for its grand performance.

I am now fearful of being the "girl who cried labor pains". You know, similar to the boy who cried wolf? Tonight, its past eight, I am experiencing the same symptoms as every night before, but I am a bit more jaded in my believing that tonight will end up like every other night.

But one of these days I know it is going to be different. I do not know how, I do not know when. But at some point baby Brown will be born and these labor pains I am feeling will evolve into more. My hope is that I will recognize it for what it is worth-- time to go to the hospital-- rather than just brushing it off as the usual. Of course, this is most every pregnant woman's fear.

And so we wait.

Ready, Set...

So much activity in the last few weeks!

First, the baby's room is offically ready. Paint - done. Chair rail - done. Curtains - up. Rug - laid. Furniture - assembled. Choo-choo train mobile - hanging. The room looks great in a train theme that Lisa spent numerous hours researching and putting together.

We have the car seat ready to go. I have read the chapters from Lisa's child birthing book that now "qualify" me to go to the labor room with her.

We spent what is most likely our last weekend without having children around by going to the movies, going out to dinner, taking in a ball game, and starting to watch episodes of Heroes. These are all things that we take for granted and will miss for the next few years. Throughout the weekend was the calm-before-the-storm feeling hanging over us.

Last night we thought that "this might be it". We spent the evening giggling and being restless. After a while it seemed more likely that it was jitters, cramps, something other than labor. Still, to be on the safe side I loaded the car, put the keys in easy reach, and charged the cell phone.

Ok, TJ - we are as ready as we can possibly be (with a collective nod to all of the unknowns we will face and laugh/lament about later). Whenever you are ready!

How Precious

My oldest friend in the world called me today to tell me his wife was going to have a miscarriage. This isn't the first. After several attempts, numerous doctors visits, and years of frustration they decided to adopt a beautiful and wonderful daughter. This pregnancy was unexpected but nonetheless a chance of excitement for them both.

They knew when we were visiting with them last month but chose not to say anything because the early signs were there that my friend's wife would not be able to complete the pregnancy. Four ultrasounds in four weeks indicated a decreasing heart rhythm, and further complications. Horrible waiting from week to week. This morning they found out the heart beat had stopped altogether.

My heart aches for them. For her.

I think about my wife and how remarkably blessed we have been these eight plus months. I think how precious life - growing life - is. Then I think about those women and couples who try and try in vain. Lisa and I have taken this pregnancy for granted because it has been so easy. In a moment like this I cannot help to stop and thank God, thank Lisa, thank fortune for allowing us to be so blessed.

A Month of Activity

We are down to the final stretch. Wow. Baby Brown should be here within the month. Are we ready? HA! Not quite. But we are getting there. As I share this with others, many say, "that's funny, most pregnant women by the ninth month are tired, cranky, and ready to get the whole pregnancy thing over with. But not you, huh?" I reply with a simple, "not yet."

You see, being the procrastinator that I am, I have just now accepted that I am pregnant and starting to have fun with it. Baby Brown has been SUPER active in the past few weeks and it is fun-- and a bit eerie having him move all around. My belly is also pretty ripe and round-- much more so than two months ago-- so I am enjoying walking around with everybody KNOWING that I am pregnant rather than being that woman that others wonder about (did she gain that much weight over the winter months? I guess married life is tough on her).

I am also getting a huge chuckle over how my body has changed and evolved and how pregnancy has changed me physically. Yes, it is harder going up the stairs at Willard Straight Hall every morning. Getting dressed poses its own challenges-- especially putting on socks and shoes. Bending over is next to impossible. And then there is the realization that I have lost control over a few things in my lower region. I have become a farting machine.

Perhaps the funniest instance of this realization was one morning as I was struggling to put on my pantyhose (yes, I am still wearing those things), I laid out across the bed on my back, feet up in the air, one leg of the hose on, the other partly on. That alone was a pretty sight. But what made it so much more comical was that as I was attempting to get dressed, all of a sudden a loud and high pitched toot came out of me. "What was that?" I said to myself. "Did I just fart? Great, thats a pretty sight!" Rich was in the other room and just started to laugh. Yep. That's my husband. We tend to bond over this kind of silly potty humor.

I also had a mildly scary incident at Target just the other day. And here again I realized that I am losing control. As I was entering the shopping area, I let out a sneeze. Typically a sneeze just involves my nose. This time however, I discovered that my pants were feeling a little wet. "Oh no. . . . did my water just break?" My mind raced. "Or. . . oh no, how embarrassing, I think I lost control of my bladder with that sneeze. Shit! Where is the restroom?" Thank goodness I was five paces away from the ladies room and could exit from what could have been a very awkward stroll around Target.

So besides body changes, Rich, Samantha and I have also been very busy preparing for baby Brown's arrival. We are working hard on the nursery, we are acquiring more stuff to assist us when baby brown is born, and we even went on a test run to the hospital so we could see the lay out of the labor and delivery area so that there are less surprises when the day actually comes.

So, am I ready? Not yet. There still is much to do and much fun to be had with my pregnancy. I want to enjoy these last few weeks and make the funny, and sometimes uncomfortable moments last. But, I do know as May 29th gets closer, we will be ready to give birth and actually greet this active soccer player that has been feeling quite at home in my belly. I'll be ready then. But for now, there is still so much to experience during this last month.