Brother's Keeper

We have a member of the family who is mentally ill. Without getting into details its enough to sum it up by saying during his most severe moments of paranoid delusion and persecution, he believes that key people in the US government - people like the Attorney General - are trying to force him to marry Jennifer Lopez, or Brittney Spears. While that would be a funny plot line to a bad 80's teen flick, it is reality for him.

Lately, he has been on a path a little bit different from his "cycle"; that being one of being forcibly committed, getting on medication, stabilizing, finding work in places like Alaska, Arizona, or Texas, working at a seasonal job, falling off his meds, returning home, and getting committed again. This cycle is usually a year long and we have been dealing with this as a family for six years.

However, his path has been different for the past few months. He's on meds and staying home for the season. Then out of the blue he decided to take us up on an open offer to visit. And just like that he was in our home.

It's strange talking with someone you know has a mind wired different than most typical brains. Conversations start with something like, "So, did you have a good drive up?" "Yes," and that's the end of the conversation. Of course when he says something like, "When I turn fifty the government is going to give me $50,000,000," its hard to pick up and follow that. You have to temper frustrations with the constant reminder that he is operating in a different "normal" than most of us.

This is the most time we've ever spent with a person with mental illness in such close proximity. I guess I was surprised at how normal he is. He's clean shaven and showers once a day. He manages his affairs, and drives, and emails, and lifts the seat, and closes doors after himself. He plays video games (badly). He has a peculiar sense of humor that amuses him at least. And you begin to think, maybe he isn't ill; maybe he's faking it. Then you look at his web browser history and it is loaded with listings for mansions and yachts that he expect to buy one day with the money that will come in one day, and realize, oh, yeah, right.

One day, for certain, he will be our responsibility. A responsibility to be shared by the other members of the family. We will manage his money, his care, and living arrangements. We asked him what expectations were and he laid them out to us. It may have been the first time anyone seriously asked his opinion about something truly important. There was no payday, or mansion, or boat. Just a place to live and a reliable car to get him around.

Wow.

To Alaska, or Arizona, or Texas; oh, yeah, right.

Gee, Man

Each of my children have been beautiful babies. Samantha was cute. TJ was adorable. And now Grant Robert takes a good picture too.

Lisa and I are about to consolidate our favorite family photos to arrange them on the wall of the staircase. This will be my birthday present. Samantha in the inner tube on Cayuga Lake. Lisa and I on our wedding day. TJ in denim on his denim chair. Me two miles up and free falling with the Golden Knights. Lisa sailing.

Our house is slowly becoming a home.

Frenzied

So, I have  been back to work for a little over two weeks, and I can honestly say that the hardest part about coming back is getting out the door in the morning. There is so much to do in the morning as a mother of two, and as a wife, it is a miracle I am able to get ready as a professional too. The best word I have to describe the mornings is "FRENZY".

I do not like this feeling. As a matter of fact, I hate it, especially when there is a time crunch and I feel late for something. As much as I try to prepare the night before or try to get up early to take care of my needs before the needs of others take priority, there is still only so much time in the morning in which we have to get it all done and head out the door. And truthfully, it exhausts me.

Just yesterday as we were frantically leaving the house, T.J. said to me, "Mom, you angry?"

"No, honey, just frustrated."

"Why you frustrated? T.J. questioned.

"There are a lot of moving parts this morning and we are late. I do not like to be late and I feel a little frenzied. I just have to get you and Grant to your schools on time and I am hoping we can do that."

T.J. seemed content with that answer for the time being.

As we got closer to his child care center, he said to me, "Look, Mom, we are getting closer to school. You happy now?"

I smiled. What a sweet child to ask if I was feeling better now that we were on the road and getting closer to our goal.

"Yes, T.J. I am feeling better now. Thank you for asking," I said as I breathed a sigh of relief.

But I do not want every day to be like this. Rich and I are trying to work out a routine of our own in the morning, I just need to figure out the areas in which he can aid and assist. He already helps T.J. with his morning routine of breakfast and cartoons, but of course he has to get ready to get out the door too.

I know it will get better in time. . . or perhaps I will just get more comfortable with this frenzied feeling. We will see.

Family Heirlooms

What do you leave behind for your children that really matters? What physical piece of property that you once owned will mean something to the children and grandchildren you leave behind? What makes a family heirloom?

I own a couple of family heirlooms that mean a lot to me. The first is a cigar humidor that was given to my father's father upon his retirement from the New York State Police. There is a small engraved metal plate on it with his name and an accolade for years of service. It sits on my dresser and is filled with my heirlooms; ticket stubs from movies, hockey games, museums, etc. from my trips with Lisa, Samantha, and the boys.

The second is my bookcase; this seven foot tall glass and wood piece of "art" that has been passed through three generations and was made by hand, or so the family legend goes. In it are some of our favorite books and keepsakes.

I look around and wonder what the kids and - one day - grand kids will cherish and want. My green BDU uniform, or the ones I wore in Iraq in 2004-2005, or the ones I wore in 2008-2009? Maybe the framed guidon from my Soldiers or the officers sword from my cadets? Or would it be something as simple as my Koran from my interpreter?

Lisa and I already have a few personal valuable things; our framed wedding invitation, our wedding rings, our beach sand collection from all of the beaches we have visited, certain pictures of the kids. They are priceless to us.

Last week Lisa and I used Shutterfly to make a new family heirloom that we are both proud of. We made a sixty page book of our trips to Disney parks and the cruise between the years of 2005 to 2010. We called it The Brown Family Disney Memory Book, Volume I. Instead of DVD and CDs of the trip we collaborated and created something together. Because we love Disney, we know there will be a Volume II and III. My hope is that thirty years from now I will get to pull out those books and sit down with the kids - and the kid's kids and tell the stories behind the photos as clearly as the picture on the paper, all with a hint of nostaglia.

Good night.

Happy Anniversary!

It was seven years ago this very evening that Lisa and I went to dinner for the first time.

We went to Rulloff's on College Avenue. It was a another grey and cold day in Ithaca, NY - but there was enough sun for a weary sunset. We decided that we'd meet en route - on the corner of College Avenue and Ho Plaza. I was playing with my new gps device because I was getting ready to go to the National Training Center in Fort Irwin, CA for a deployment to Iraq later in the year.

Lisa was chatty. In fact, we talked a lot, left the restaurant and kept on talking as we walked. We walked back up Ho Plaza, around the McGraw clock tower, past the Johnson Art Museum, down and over the Fall Creek gorge, back up the street and back across the gorge until I left Lisa exactly where we met earlier in the evening. No walk to the car, no kiss good night. Nothing. I tried nothing.

The truth is that I had no idea that we were on a date. As in d-a-t-e. I just thought she was a really neat person and colleague and someone to have dinner with. Okay, that's not true either. Someone had told me that Lisa was "interested" in me although I had a hard time believing it.

That was seven years ago.

In that time I have been to Iraq twice for a total of eighteen months. Both my parents have passed. We have two beautiful boys. We lost a daughter. We had two significant career changes and two promotions. We moved from New York (me a life long resident) to North Carolina. We have taken four trips with the Walt Disney company. We count more blessings than we do misfortunes because when misfortune does strike we have one another to count on.

That's it. Time for snuggling and spoonin'.

Back on Track

Okay, we know, we have not used our blog in MONTHS! And so much has happened in this time. So much that we want to record, want to remember, want to share. All I can say is I am sorry, and I will work to do a better job keeping a chronicle of our family life if not for right now, for the future so we can look back and smile at all that is good in our lives.

And life IS good. December 1st 2010 was the birth of our second son, Grant Robert Brown. His original due date was December 3rd. But because of my “advancing maternal age” the doctors suggested that we have this baby as close to our due date as possible. Since they do not perform any inductions on Friday (December 3rd) and Thursday’s calendar was already full, we opted for Wednesday, December 1st. How is that for the process by which Grant’s birthday was selected?

All things considered, labor went well. . . short and much easier than what I remember with T.J. I remember being able to “enjoy” the very first moments of Grant coming into this world—something that did not happen with T.J. because he was a week late and needed doctor attention and because I was living in a state of pain inside my head. Of course the story that Rich will always share of that day is how I tried to time my pushes so that Grant could be born at 1:21 pm on 12/1. What can I say. I like repeating numbers, and it gave me something to focus on during the last 40 minutes of delivery. I needed a goal, something to shoot for. And although the birth certificate says Grant was born at 1:22 pm. Rich and I know full well that his head was completely out by 1:21. My work was over.

Grant is now three months old and doing well. He is a chunky baby (much bigger than what his brother was at three months), prone to spit up, and already smiling and flirting with everyone he encounters. Bottom line: HE IS A JOY. I am amazed with how easy going he is. When he wants to sleep, he sleeps. When he wants to eat, he eats. And when he wants to poop. . . well, let’s just say he likes to save it all up for a real big mess when he is ready (sometimes waiting for up to 7 days).

T.J. is a fantastic big brother. To date, there have been no negative words about his brother nor issues with adjusting to life with a baby in the house. I am impressed that T.J. has responded so well. He does a great job mimicking how Daddy and Mommy interact with Grant and, at the end of the day, will always ask how was Grant’s day. Samantha has also been a great big sister. During the Christmas holiday, she was so helpful as she held Grant often and sat with him during the times when he would just cry out that newborn cry.

So now it is March and I am back at work. While I am super excited to return to my position with Camp, I am also a little sad that Grant and I will be spending less time together. I loved our days when I was just the two of us getting to know each other. He followed such a predictable pattern of “eat, play, sleep” that it was easy to plan my day accordingly and really take advantage of the time I knew he wanted to play.

So life IS good and we have much for which to be thankful. And, with the right amount of discipline on my part we will have plenty more stories to blog about in the months to come.