100 Days

My countdown clock reads 100 days until May 8th. 100 more days until our little baby girl's due date. 100 days until she is supposed to enter into this world and bless our hearts and our lives. We are almost at the double digits, almost at a significant mile marker. . .almost.

However now, those 100 days seem so long off. They seem so unknown and full of questions. Will she make it for 100 more days? A week ago, I would have said, "no. The doctors tell us no." But today, 7 days later, I am a bit more hopeful but still so unsure.

Last week I got the news that there were some "complications" with my pregnancy. After the ease of pregnancy with TJ, this news came as a surprise. But TJ was so easy, why are there complications this time around? Essentially, baby girl Brown was not the size she needed to be. In fact, she was measuring 4 weeks too small. More tests and sonograms determined that my placenta is not performing at its peak to deliver all the nutrients that the baby needs to thrive and grow and, the doctors said, at some point, my placenta will fail and stop working all together. Not a good sign for the future growth of baby girl Brown.

"Okay, then, what do we do?" I asked. The answer. WAIT. There is nothing that we can do. Not this early on. The baby measures to small to even be helped if she was delivered early. So we wait. We wait for her to grow. We wait for the placenta to fail. We wait for the placenta to heal itself. And a week of being on bed rest has taught me to be at peace with the wait. Nerve wracking, yes, but I have accepted the fact that I am not in control with all that is going on here. I need to allow this to be okay. There is something else going on here. What it is, I do not yet know. I have such a limited view. I need to allow this to be okay. To make peace with this sense of helplessness and powerlessness and trust God. . .trust God that everything is meant to be and will resolve itself in due time according to the way things are meant to be.

Every once in awhile I feel our baby girl kick-- a blessed assurance that she is still strong. For some reason, the baby continues on. Is she growing? I will know in 7 more days. So I wait. We have come so far. Yet the countdown clock reminds me just how farther still we have to go. In all of this I am reminded that each day is worthy to be celebrated and respected in this little baby's life.