Birthing Class: He Said

Go to your cupboard. Right now. Go get a cup saucer and bring it back to the computer. It's okay, I'll wait.



Back? Good. Take a good look at the saucer. Does it look like it could pass through any orifice on your body? Guys - be imaginative. No, of course not. It turns out that a saucer is almost the same size and diameter as the baby's head - almost 10 cm! I don't think I learned anything else that was as useful as that tidbit of information last Saturday.

Birthing classes were fun as something to do with Lisa - but other than that were silly and not very helpful. Watching Lisa cry at every videotape birth was humorous, and I was glad that we were in the back of the room so no one could see us. Lisa can cry at anything. No kidding, Lisa cried at the end of the movie, Faceoff. Wait, you say to yourself, wasn't that the John Woo over-the-top action movie starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage where there faces were surgically removed and placed on the other persons body? And the answer would be, yes - that movie.

Of course the other thing that was funny was that I passed gas when I was walking out of the room to get coffee in the middle of the videos. Whatever I ate the night before could have used some BEAN-O before I left the house. I had rumbling, explosive gas and I farted right next to a guys head as I walked by him. I got my coffee and nonchalantly entered as if noting had happened. Lisa didn't make eye contact with me, so at least it wasn't that loud. I told her about it an hour later and she laughed and said she thought it was my sneaker squeaking. So, she did hear it. Damn.

The instructor was a hoot. As soon as she got the videotape in and pressed play she was gone out of the room. And there were a lot of videos. Videos - not DVD's - 1980s v-i-d-e-o-t-a-p-e. Nothing has changed in childbirth since - oh, since Eve, but isn't the medicine and medical support around childbirth updated since The Go-Go's first sang "Our Lips Are Sealed"? If the class is going to be mostly videos then couldn't I save $75.00 and buy a DVD for $16.00? At least she didn't resort to film strips and cassette tapes.

I suppose I should be grateful. The instructor did teach us how to breath. After 39 years I had been doing it wrong. The funny part was that she got winded doing the breathing exercises herself and had to sit down. He - he - he - he -Who. He - he - he- he - Who. I made a game of it. I started to snicker. I was afraid to laugh (why didn't the other guys find this hysterical?) because I was the only one in the room who found it funny and because I was afraid I would lose control of pocket upon pocket of flatulence - which of course made it even funnier as I pictured myself exploding from both ends.


I know in my heart of hearts that Lisa and I are ready for child birth because we are a good team and know when to focus on the important things. I know that labor will be wonderful and hard and scary and painful and beautiful. I have no doubt of our ability to get through it - with or without the class.