First Pangs of Guilt

It's a Monday night. Relatively quiet for a change. Lisa is downstairs watching Project Runway while I am writing this and playing with my favorite website. I check my email and bam, there it is - my summer is shot.

I work for two bosses - the United States Army through Cornell University's Army ROTC program and for the United States Army Reserves as a Major in a Civil Affairs unit. Both of these employers want time from me over the summer to meet the standards of my employment.

For the Army Reserves I am trying to get into a school so I will qualify for my next promotion. The first phase of that school will be over two weeks in the summer at Ft Dix, NJ.

Work, that is my 50 hour per week job, also expects me to go away for the summer - and this year it will be in Ft Knox, KY. That obligation will be most of the balance of the summer.

In other words, I will have no time for me at home.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am going to be a dad in May?

I am in a career field that demands travel in the summer. I absolutely cannot stand that I have to be away from my family. My new family. Of course I do not have to go based on the Family and Medical Leave Act - but then I won't be paid either. (I suppose I could be a school teacher at half the pay and have my summers off.)

What bothers me is not feeling like a team player for the work that I love to do. I went through the same dilema earlier this year with my dad. I knew dad was going to pass away over the summer. I also knew that it was my obligation to go to Ft Lewis, WA. I could not have predicted when dad's time would come so I made plans to be at work until "the" time came. Of course, life (or death in this case) really doesn't let you make plans and I fortunately spent the last moments of my father's life by his side. However, it was a result of events that I did not plan.

I suppose I am worried about what the people at work will think about me not being around for what everyone else is doing - about not doing my share. I struggle with this and finding the balance for my family.

Part of me says that I need to go because it is my obligation. If I were on Active Duty I would have time off when the baby is born, but then I would be right back at work even if that work meant I was away from home. Another part doesn't want to abandon Lisa and Smudge when Lisa will feel a little overwhelmed and will need help.

So - now I head down stairs and talk to Lisa about this.

7 Weeks

So, Rich already shared the highlights of my visit to the doctor last week. But from the "mom's" perspective, it was pretty cool to see our "smudge" on the monitor and to imagine that there is this little small person growing inside of me. Here was the proof I was looking for. . . finally. Yes, I am pregnant and I saw the smudge to verify it. I started to tear up in the examination room, but the discomfort of having an internal sonogram quickly diverted my attention away from the emotional. Yes-- I did say internal. It was interesting to say the least.

So now I am 7.5 weeks pregnant. I am holding up pretty well. I notice that I am much more tired and much more moody-- something I can blame on the hormones for now. Rich has been a saint as he learns to try to live with the "pregnant Lisa" and I am trying to put my moodiness in check. It is a daily challenge. I am pleased to share, however that there have been no episodes of morning sickness (knock on wood). In the morning, I do feel a bit odd and queasy, but it has not resulted in a mad dash to the bathroom.

At the doctor last week, they did give us the target due date of May 29th. That's right around Memorial Day and Cornell graduation. Wow! As I think about it, given our careers and working in higher education this due date (and my whole pregnancy) is perfect. I have the summer (our slower months) for maternity leave and I do not have to be mega-pregnant during the hottest months in Ithaca. How lucky are we? Here is to the next 29 weeks.

Smudge

That's the name of the baby right now: "Smudge."

Last Thursday, Lisa went to the doctor for her first true visit. While she was there they confirmed that she was at least 6 to 6 1/2 weeks pregnant and in healthy condition. Then they did a sonogram! At 6 1/2 weeks?!

Lisa brought home the picture. It's a grainy black and white photo of what looks like an egg, sunny side up. There are no defining characteristics, just and oval looking thingy. In other words, a smudge. Lisa said that she got to see the "heart beat" which consisted of one of the monitor pixels flicking from white to black.

I am really bummed that I wasn't there. Not that we thought I should have gone. Not that we thought we'd have seen anything. Not that I wasn't invited (but unavailable). This was a first visit for Lisa, and a check for twins - none. It wound up being the first signs of life of our child.

So - for now, we have a picture of an egg the size of a grain of rice on our fridge.

My First Craving

Yep. . . my first craving was for a chocolate milkshake. Mmmm, and did it taste good. Rich and I went out to Doug's Fish Fry to satisfy my sweet tooth. And it was good. Thanks for driving, Rich.

Our Secret. . . sort of

So my big issue over the past two weeks is trying to figure out when it is safe to tell everybody our news. There are times that I want to run up to people and say, "guess what? I a pregnant!" and then there are times when I am making up an answer to a question from a colleague about why I am drinking water instead of my usual diet coke.

Yes, we wanted to tell family. . .to let them in on the good news. . . to be a support for us in the early months. But at what point do we let the rest of the world into our family affairs? When should I tell my best friends? The people I see on a day to day basis? Those that I exchange emails with frequently and reply "nothing much" when they ask what is new?

I guess I am still waiting from a blessing from above or a decree from a doctor: "you are pregnant, Lisa. It is safe to tell the world." We still do not know how many weeks along I am (we are guessing 6 or 7) or when our anticipated due date is. And I'd like to have those facts to share when we start letting our friends know.

And then there is the other concern: telling work. Yes, I am concerned that people may judge me or come to their own conclusions about my life. I do not want people to be writing my future for me when I have not even come to my own conclusions about what I want my future to be. Will I or will I not come back to work? Will I be as committed to my work ethic or is a baby going to be a distraction? And the one that hurts most of all: Of course I should not have been hired as the associate dean, my focus is on babies and a family.

Yes, there is some baggage there. These are my insecurities and the voices inside my head; not the ones from those with whom I work. Still, I'd like to have a plan on when and how to let people know. I am learning that it is hard to keep my good news in. I want to share this huge happening in my life. It will change me. It will change the way in which I work. But, it does not have to be for the worse.

Rich and I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday of this week. At this appointment we are going to get our first sonogram. This should be able to tell the doctor just how far along we are and when our due date might be. My feeling right now is lets see what the doctor says. When we get this information we can make a better plan on when and how to let our friends and colleagues into our little secret.

Telling Sam

"Ewwwwww", followed by, "gross". Over and over again. In a restaurant. Crowded with people. Those would be two direct quotes from Samantha when she found out she was going to be a sister.

We knew it was time to tell Samantha. We both knew that telling Sam could be both fun and complicated. Fun, because, well, we all have a good sense of humor and Lisa and I were looking forward to the look on Sam's face. Complicated, because Sam has been my only child for 9 years. She has been our only child for 2 1/2 years and has never had to compete for attention or affection - and now she is not going to be the only one, and because she does not live here full time she has voiced concerns of being "forgotten".

Friday night we went to dinner and Lisa and I were giddy with telling Sam. We told her we had big news and that she could guess it. She looked thoughtfully for a moment at the ceiling and said, "Lisa is pregnant." When we told her she guessed correctly she had to be convinced that we weren't playing a joke on her.

Once she realized that we weren't joking she blurted, "ewwww," for the next five minutes. So clearly, in telling her we found out that she knows how babies are made. And better yet, she thinks its "nasty" and "gross". We also found out that she doesn't really understand the process yet because a few minutes later she said that we must have made the baby the night before (Thursday) because we didn't tell her on Wednesday when she was over last.

Sam is excited. She is looking forward to being part of the process and even wants to be in the delivery room. Sam is afraid. She is scared of being left out of the "full time" family while she is living in Ithaca. Sam is anxious. You can see that she really wants to be a big sister, one with almost a decade of experience over her sibling but nervous that she will be considered more of an adult than a child from now on.

Through all of these initial emotions, one thing is clear in her head: Samantha wants a sister.