My countdown clock reads 100 days until May 8th. 100 more days until our little baby girl's due date. 100 days until she is supposed to enter into this world and bless our hearts and our lives. We are almost at the double digits, almost at a significant mile marker. . .almost.
However now, those 100 days seem so long off. They seem so unknown and full of questions. Will she make it for 100 more days? A week ago, I would have said, "no. The doctors tell us no." But today, 7 days later, I am a bit more hopeful but still so unsure.
Last week I got the news that there were some "complications" with my pregnancy. After the ease of pregnancy with TJ, this news came as a surprise. But TJ was so easy, why are there complications this time around? Essentially, baby girl Brown was not the size she needed to be. In fact, she was measuring 4 weeks too small. More tests and sonograms determined that my placenta is not performing at its peak to deliver all the nutrients that the baby needs to thrive and grow and, the doctors said, at some point, my placenta will fail and stop working all together. Not a good sign for the future growth of baby girl Brown.
"Okay, then, what do we do?" I asked. The answer. WAIT. There is nothing that we can do. Not this early on. The baby measures to small to even be helped if she was delivered early. So we wait. We wait for her to grow. We wait for the placenta to fail. We wait for the placenta to heal itself. And a week of being on bed rest has taught me to be at peace with the wait. Nerve wracking, yes, but I have accepted the fact that I am not in control with all that is going on here. I need to allow this to be okay. There is something else going on here. What it is, I do not yet know. I have such a limited view. I need to allow this to be okay. To make peace with this sense of helplessness and powerlessness and trust God. . .trust God that everything is meant to be and will resolve itself in due time according to the way things are meant to be.
Every once in awhile I feel our baby girl kick-- a blessed assurance that she is still strong. For some reason, the baby continues on. Is she growing? I will know in 7 more days. So I wait. We have come so far. Yet the countdown clock reminds me just how farther still we have to go. In all of this I am reminded that each day is worthy to be celebrated and respected in this little baby's life.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
A letter to TJ on Inauguration Day
A letter written to my son on January 20, 2009. . .
TJ,
There are a few times in your life when people ask you "where were you when. . . " or "what do you remember about. . ." a particular milestone in your life or in our nation's history. I like hearing the stories from my mother and father about what they remember from their childhood, teen years, mid life, and beyond. Most interesting are those stories that are linked to history. I remember asking my mother and father where they were when we landed on the moon. So fascinating to get a glimpse into that part of history from a first person view. . . especially one from your parent.
For me, I can imagine that our future conversations will be full of stories of 9/11 and how the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan defined our family experience. How your father served. How we were separated for a time trying to cope as best we could. A challenging time to say the least.
But of particular importance today, January 20, 2009, is a day that, regardless of your politics, I will always want you to remember. Today was history in the making. The day that a dream came true, the day that millions of Americans and people around the world came to actualize that they can make a difference at the grassroots, and that they too can rise above limitations, doubts, and sometimes even history. Today, Barack Obama became president of the United States-- our first African-American president and a day of hope and promise for many.
We had the privilege of watching the inauguration ceremonies together. At 19 months old, you sat pretty still on my lap during the oath. It is as if you understood the gravity of the moment. But then, when the applause died and the speech was delivered, you went on to other important things of the day: your trucks! There is no stopping you with those.
What struck me the most about the day was how many people attended the ceremony in DC. The fact that they all wanted to be a part of history. The fact that they wanted to be able to say that they were there. They may not have been able to see the new president raise his right hand. But they were there. . .at the mall in DC. They were there surrounded by 2 million other viewers like them who wanted to be there too. What struck me was that they brought their children to witness too. What struck me was the diversity of the audience-- for a moment, we went beyond race in this country. What struck me was that out of 2 million people on the mall, there was not a single arrest. What struck me was the overwhelming energy and hope that engulfed the nation-- regardless of who one voted for in the election.
It was a proud day. It was a proud moment. I am so thankful that we were able to share it together so that when people ask me where I was on that day, I can say, I was with my son-- and may he come to understand the significance of the moment and continue carrying the torch of freedom, equality, and love that was set ablaze all the brighter today. I know we have got far to go as a country, but what a glorious moment to pause and remark how far we have come.
TJ,
There are a few times in your life when people ask you "where were you when. . . " or "what do you remember about. . ." a particular milestone in your life or in our nation's history. I like hearing the stories from my mother and father about what they remember from their childhood, teen years, mid life, and beyond. Most interesting are those stories that are linked to history. I remember asking my mother and father where they were when we landed on the moon. So fascinating to get a glimpse into that part of history from a first person view. . . especially one from your parent.
For me, I can imagine that our future conversations will be full of stories of 9/11 and how the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan defined our family experience. How your father served. How we were separated for a time trying to cope as best we could. A challenging time to say the least.
But of particular importance today, January 20, 2009, is a day that, regardless of your politics, I will always want you to remember. Today was history in the making. The day that a dream came true, the day that millions of Americans and people around the world came to actualize that they can make a difference at the grassroots, and that they too can rise above limitations, doubts, and sometimes even history. Today, Barack Obama became president of the United States-- our first African-American president and a day of hope and promise for many.
We had the privilege of watching the inauguration ceremonies together. At 19 months old, you sat pretty still on my lap during the oath. It is as if you understood the gravity of the moment. But then, when the applause died and the speech was delivered, you went on to other important things of the day: your trucks! There is no stopping you with those.
What struck me the most about the day was how many people attended the ceremony in DC. The fact that they all wanted to be a part of history. The fact that they wanted to be able to say that they were there. They may not have been able to see the new president raise his right hand. But they were there. . .at the mall in DC. They were there surrounded by 2 million other viewers like them who wanted to be there too. What struck me was that they brought their children to witness too. What struck me was the diversity of the audience-- for a moment, we went beyond race in this country. What struck me was that out of 2 million people on the mall, there was not a single arrest. What struck me was the overwhelming energy and hope that engulfed the nation-- regardless of who one voted for in the election.
It was a proud day. It was a proud moment. I am so thankful that we were able to share it together so that when people ask me where I was on that day, I can say, I was with my son-- and may he come to understand the significance of the moment and continue carrying the torch of freedom, equality, and love that was set ablaze all the brighter today. I know we have got far to go as a country, but what a glorious moment to pause and remark how far we have come.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Reflections on the Holidays
So the holidays have come and gone with no post to commemorate the occasion. Oops! Guess you could say Lisa was clearly on vacation. TJ and I went down to my mother's in Florida and I have to say that the weather this year was the best I can ever remember in all of my Christmas' down there. We are talking mid to high 70s, sunny, and no humidity. Perfect for these upstate New Yorkers who already have had their share of snow.
It was wonderful to be surrounded by family this time of year. It was great to have help with TJ, to not have to worry about the day's menu, the cleaning, or other household chores. Of course I did my best to try to help out, but the pressure was not always on me like it has been with Rich away. My nieces did a bang up job playing with TJ and taking turns keeping an eye on him. He loved running around and playing with them. TJ takes to other kids rather well, and my nieces were no different.
TJ is still a little too young to comprehend the idea of Christmas, but when he saw the toy trucks under the tree on Christmas morning, he got so excited. He woke up a little fussy that morning (which is unlike him) and was very frustrated with the fact that he couldn't go downstairs like he has every other morning (the kids all wait upstairs until the adults are ready for the chaos to begin in my family). But as mentioned, he changed his tune instantly when we finally got downstairs.
Christmas morning we also tried to Skype with Rich. Skype has been a wonderful tool to keep in touch with Rich during his deployment. We can instant message and even use the video calling. For some reason, however the connections in Florida were not that great. We kept loosing service so our calls were rather short and unpredictable. We did get a small window of video feed that morning. . .so TJ was able to open up a present with Daddy right there. . .but there was not time to do much of anything else.
I certainly missed Rich's presence this holiday, and maybe the feelings of loneliness were accentuated by the lack of skype and the fact that there was little routine or distraction during the day to keep me focused on other things. There were a few moody days (sorry family), but we made due as best we could.
Other highlights of the holiday included taking TJ on his first kayak ride. He did great. He seems very interested in all the boats that go up and down the river. When we got in the boat, TJ was a bit reserved and kept close to his mommy (which is right where I needed him to be). TJ also got his first haircut. Again, sitting on mommy's lap with the stylist constantly touching his head/hair, he was reserved and well behaved. He never protested, but instead was cautiously curious as to what exactly was going on.
We went to the nearby wildlife park to look at all the animals. He is like his Daddy and decided he did not like being so close to the snakes. But he did like watching all the fish swim around and the birds stake out their territory.
TJ also made two trips to the beach. The first time, he was not too sure how he felt about walking on the sand. . . a bit unstable. But by the second visit, he was running around and feeling much more confident. And the same was true about the water at the beach. While there were no "waves" to speak of at this location, the water still "rolled in" slowly and the sand was soft enough to cause concern the first visit. At our second visit, he tackled the water the way he did the sand and by the end of our time at the beach he was running into the water up to his waist.
One day we went to the Aquarium in Tampa. TJ loved watching all of the fish. The aquarium also has a little "water park" attached to it for young kids. Think mini-fountains, plenty of things to climb over and on, and lots of misting water. He had a ball. I will particularly remember helping TJ learn to "climb" the cargo net tunnel of the pirate ship. At first, I saw it and said, "ugh, I don't want TJ to get involved in that. He is too young, and well, it just looks like too much trouble." And so I thought that was the end of it.
However, I noticed that TJ kept on running over to it to take a look. I noticed that he would not go venture on his own. He would run upto it, stop and just look. I was pleased that he showed restraint. I knew he was being safe and that I would not have to worry about his getting hurt. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was really, really curious and that he wanted to play but was usure how to go about doing it.
As I looked around the park at all the other kids, it dawned on me that this was my opportunity to shed the "protective mother" role and step in for "daring dad". . . you know, the dad who pushes their children to try new things, brush off the bruises and live a little? By not pushing him forward was I teaching him to be afraid? to be cautious? to not take risks? I want my son to be the kind of person who approaches new situations with a sense of wonder and fun, so wasn't it up to me to model the way?
I walked onto the tunnel. . . and yes, in a kid sized pirate ship, this adds an extra challenge for anyone over 5 feet tall. TJ was aprehensive at first, but I showed him that I was right there with him, that I'd hold his hand, and that we would do it together. And so he continued. He did not whine, show indications that he wanted to go back, or sit there and cry. Instead, we walked that tunnel together. And as we got to the other side, it was neat to watch him feel a sense of accomplishment. . . a victory over something he would not try alone. Lesson learned. . for both of us.
It was wonderful to be surrounded by family this time of year. It was great to have help with TJ, to not have to worry about the day's menu, the cleaning, or other household chores. Of course I did my best to try to help out, but the pressure was not always on me like it has been with Rich away. My nieces did a bang up job playing with TJ and taking turns keeping an eye on him. He loved running around and playing with them. TJ takes to other kids rather well, and my nieces were no different.
TJ is still a little too young to comprehend the idea of Christmas, but when he saw the toy trucks under the tree on Christmas morning, he got so excited. He woke up a little fussy that morning (which is unlike him) and was very frustrated with the fact that he couldn't go downstairs like he has every other morning (the kids all wait upstairs until the adults are ready for the chaos to begin in my family). But as mentioned, he changed his tune instantly when we finally got downstairs.
Christmas morning we also tried to Skype with Rich. Skype has been a wonderful tool to keep in touch with Rich during his deployment. We can instant message and even use the video calling. For some reason, however the connections in Florida were not that great. We kept loosing service so our calls were rather short and unpredictable. We did get a small window of video feed that morning. . .so TJ was able to open up a present with Daddy right there. . .but there was not time to do much of anything else.
I certainly missed Rich's presence this holiday, and maybe the feelings of loneliness were accentuated by the lack of skype and the fact that there was little routine or distraction during the day to keep me focused on other things. There were a few moody days (sorry family), but we made due as best we could.
Other highlights of the holiday included taking TJ on his first kayak ride. He did great. He seems very interested in all the boats that go up and down the river. When we got in the boat, TJ was a bit reserved and kept close to his mommy (which is right where I needed him to be). TJ also got his first haircut. Again, sitting on mommy's lap with the stylist constantly touching his head/hair, he was reserved and well behaved. He never protested, but instead was cautiously curious as to what exactly was going on.
We went to the nearby wildlife park to look at all the animals. He is like his Daddy and decided he did not like being so close to the snakes. But he did like watching all the fish swim around and the birds stake out their territory.
TJ also made two trips to the beach. The first time, he was not too sure how he felt about walking on the sand. . . a bit unstable. But by the second visit, he was running around and feeling much more confident. And the same was true about the water at the beach. While there were no "waves" to speak of at this location, the water still "rolled in" slowly and the sand was soft enough to cause concern the first visit. At our second visit, he tackled the water the way he did the sand and by the end of our time at the beach he was running into the water up to his waist.
One day we went to the Aquarium in Tampa. TJ loved watching all of the fish. The aquarium also has a little "water park" attached to it for young kids. Think mini-fountains, plenty of things to climb over and on, and lots of misting water. He had a ball. I will particularly remember helping TJ learn to "climb" the cargo net tunnel of the pirate ship. At first, I saw it and said, "ugh, I don't want TJ to get involved in that. He is too young, and well, it just looks like too much trouble." And so I thought that was the end of it.
However, I noticed that TJ kept on running over to it to take a look. I noticed that he would not go venture on his own. He would run upto it, stop and just look. I was pleased that he showed restraint. I knew he was being safe and that I would not have to worry about his getting hurt. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was really, really curious and that he wanted to play but was usure how to go about doing it.
As I looked around the park at all the other kids, it dawned on me that this was my opportunity to shed the "protective mother" role and step in for "daring dad". . . you know, the dad who pushes their children to try new things, brush off the bruises and live a little? By not pushing him forward was I teaching him to be afraid? to be cautious? to not take risks? I want my son to be the kind of person who approaches new situations with a sense of wonder and fun, so wasn't it up to me to model the way?
I walked onto the tunnel. . . and yes, in a kid sized pirate ship, this adds an extra challenge for anyone over 5 feet tall. TJ was aprehensive at first, but I showed him that I was right there with him, that I'd hold his hand, and that we would do it together. And so he continued. He did not whine, show indications that he wanted to go back, or sit there and cry. Instead, we walked that tunnel together. And as we got to the other side, it was neat to watch him feel a sense of accomplishment. . . a victory over something he would not try alone. Lesson learned. . for both of us.
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