STOP and NO

Lately we have been reinforcing the words, "Stop" and "No" in the house. Especially when the words come from mommy's lips. It seems strange we have to remind the boys to listen when they are spoken to at times when their behavior requires someone to say "Stop" or "No." You would think that they learned these words a long time ago.

I grew up in a house of two boys.  I was the oldest.  I know how boys can be; loud, rambunctious, and aloof to discipline. I know because Andy and I were loud, rambunctious, and aloof to discipline. In fact, Andy and I swore more, fought more, and listened less than TJ and Grant at their ages. These are facts.

My mom did her best to corral us. I would like to think that once she got a hold of us we generally listened to her. She was not above losing her tempter and not above yelling. We might have even been smacked once or twice. She did not defer to my Dad too often. Dad, bless his heart, was terrible at discipline and could never figure out how to do it with effectiveness. 

That was forty years ago and times were different.  In four decades our collective culture has changed.  First, both parents need to be engaged in raising their kids. Second, kids seem less likely to listen and respect their parents. In our case, especially Mom.  Lisa, to her credit, is a person of near-endless patience. She gives the boys every opportunity for the boys to change course before she gets upset. And what happens when she does lose her cool? The boys - TJ in particular - laughs at her. When that happens I see RED - like a STOP sign.

The reason this bothers me is two-fold. First, Lisa should not have to lose her patience with the boys and she certainly should not be ridiculed by her 12 year old son. Second, if the boys disrespect their mom in this way then how do we get them to respect girls in the next few years as they start dating and the hormones take over? How do you get them to respect when a woman says, "No"?

I used to tickle Samantha when she was a little girl.  She'd laugh and kick and try to get free.  As soon as she said, "STOP!" I stopped what I was doing immediately.  I tried to teach the lesson that "No" means "No" and that she should not settle for anything less.  Teaching boys is the same lesson but from a much different angle. 

As we start talking about this in the larger context of "consent" I know it will be a constant, steady drum beat throughout their adolescence.  The quality of their adult relationships will be impacted on the outcome. 

This is parenting in the 21st century.